3 Steps to Love Difficult People
(6 minute reading time)
If you know our dog Heidi, you know she’s:
a) huge
b) infamous - another story for another day
c) ill-trained
d) beautiful and sweet (proud momma, had to toss that in there)
e) an escape artist
If you don’t know her, she’s a 90 lb Swiss Mountain Dog, and although she’s almost 8 years old, she awkwardly lopes and selectively listens akin to a puppy. She will sniff your crotch with zero shame because yours truly taught her to give “hugs” and bury her nose in my thighs while I rub on her.
In sum, the only command she knows, aside from din din! is to crotch sniff you. Well-done, Gupton Family of Misfits Toys.
So one recent morning when the front door is cracked, I’m working, and the babysitter is loading our 2 year old up to go grab lunch, this dopey, lopey, big ol’ love bug sees her chance to scour the neighborhood for cat poop - her delicacy of choice.
Then I hear, “Miss Mary, Miss Mary - Heidi!!! She’s out! There’s a lady!”
Most of our neighborhood knows Heidi, and she gets out allthedamntime, so I feel zero urgency. I saunter outside clad in a ratty Longhorn t-shirt and sweats, sans-bra and barefoot as I dodge loose pavement pebbles tip-toe jogging toward the woman standing like a statue at the bottom of the hill. Her head is down, and she is clearly frightened, but I know she has a huge, rather unruly German Shepherd herself, so I think it’s gonna be fine... Right?
Wrong.
As I close in on them, Heidi stands 2 feet from her, just begging for that crotch. Her tail is wagging, she’s breathing hard, she’s hopping side to side, then she’s head-down stepping forward, jumping back, stepping forward, jumping back.
In an effort to disarm the Statue, I gently apologize, “I’m so sorry - she’s big but she’s harmless.” To which daggers and venom shoot my way to the tune of, “You’re lucky. I usually carry mace. And you know what? I’m going to start doing it again!”
To which I replied, “Huh, that’s funny, because your dog is actually so terrible and mean you don’t even walk it without your husband, so how about you get a grip, you wretched old bag. This dog doesn’t even know how to hunt squirrels, and I wish she friggin’ would because they eat ALL of our bird seed!”
JK. HUGE JK.
That’s what I wanted to reply, and I opened my mouth to let her rip, but the Holy Spirit clamped it SHUT. I swallowed my zinger, grabbed Heidi, apologizing again, “I’m sorry she scared you.” To which the venom fired back again, “I AM PETRIFIED.”
K. Byyyyyye.
I got home and was really shaken up. Physically shaken, spiritually shaken. I wanted justice. I wanted to write her a nasty note. I wanted to scream, “We’re on the same team! We both have big, ill-trained dogs! Come on!”
I took some deep breaths while uttering expletives all around my house, and then I started to pray.
(And we’ve now arrived at the meat of the post…)
How to Love Difficult People
Y’all this can be so hard for me, and I’m willing to bet it’s hard for you too. In this instance, it was not as gruelling because I rarely see this woman, but what about when it’s someone in your life who constantly beats you down with their hard-to-loveness, and they really aren't going anywhere? A sibling. A parent. An in-law. A co-worker. A child.
Step 1: Remember It’s Not About You
Whatever that anger was, was not about me. Yes, my dog scared the s*it out of her, but her response was not about me. This is a super hard pill to swallow, especially if you’ve got a pension for justice like I do, but 99.9% of someone’s hatefulness has absolutely nothing to do with you. I certainly don’t have this mastered, and for the dang record, 7/10 times I’m letting the scathing remark slip, but for those 3/10 times I let the Holy Spirit hold my tongue, the devil loses ground, God is glorified, and I grow in my faith. (1 & 2)
Step 2: Put yourself in their shoes, and pray to love them where they are, not where you think they should be. (3)
While praying I got out of me-me-me mentality and realized Heidi is actually terrifying if you don’t know her. (Like duh Mary Clay). If you’re standing at the bottom of the hill, and she’s beelining for what appears to be a big bite out of your heart (but it’s really a big sniff of your crotch), it would be dadgum scary.
This can also be a place for confession of any sin you’ve committed in the relationship or the scenario. I clearly had a lot to talk through here. This might also pull to mind some times when you’ve been the hard person to love - goodness knows I’ve been there. Humility is a beautiful (and necessary) step toward peace. (4)
Once you’ve done this, beg the Lord to show you some redeeming qualities about them (5), and He will - it just might take some time! Even the hardest to love people have at least 1 thing you can love.
For example, Do they insist on bringing the same lunch to work everyday and putting it in a locked lunchbox? A+ for discipline, consistency and frugality. Do they always have to have the last word? Tenacity baby - some of us could use more of that. Do they spend what you deem as way too much money on their children? Their love language must be gift giving!
You get it. I know these examples sound Pollyanna, but just try it, k? K.
Step 3: Pray for them. (6)
Ask for help from the only One who can truly love the unlovable to do this. (BTW you and I were unloveable before Jesus died for us (7) - let that sink in for a minute). It will feel unnatural, and it might even make you angry. You can be angry, and talk to God about it! (8) He created the dang world and every human in it, He can handle your frustration. Pray for strength to love them (9), and you may need to pray for the ability to forgive them. This will save you a whole lot of hurt and heartache in the long run, and if it doesn’t feel good immediately, that’s ok! One of the wisest things I ever learned was Forgiveness is not a feeling. It’s a choice you make, sometimes in spite of how you feel. Mic drop.
Wrapping it up…
Listen, I know there are circumstances beyond this little 3 step scope, and I’m not trying to be your counselor or give you a “fix all.” I know some relationships require really, really prayerful boundaries and some are not safe to just Pollyanna through. I also know this example is loose and many of you might agree with the Statue here. (Totally warranted btw, but not the point).
In sharing all of this, I hope to point you to the One who is capable of helping us love difficult people - especially those who aren’t going anywhere! Loving difficult people takes time, repetition and FAITH. You’ll fail, but keep on trying because He is with you (10), and He -- who IS love (11) -- never fails! (12)
Summary of 3 Steps to Love Difficult People
Step 1: Remember It’s Not About You.
Step 2: Put yourself in their shoes, and pray to love them where they are, not where you think they should be.
Step 3: Pray for them.
Father God, you loved us first. Even while we were still sinners, you sent your only Son to die for us so we could be with you forever. What. Love. We need you God. We want to run from hard relationships. In fact our toes often itch to draw a line in the sand. Forgive our hard hearts and soften them please, Lord! I need you to help me love _____________ like you love them. We believe you are in the business of repairing relationships, and we believe you will repair anything in your will. Give us the patience, perseverance and FAITH to trust you as we step out into this week, fighting hard for us against any attacks to pull us out of your perfect path. In you alone we have peace, Father God! Thank you for loving us so perfectly. Pour this love out of us to those around us this week and beyond. In Jesus Name I pray, Amen
Verses referenced herein for further study:
Galatians 5:16
Hebrews 2:18
Matthew 22:37-39
2 Chronicles 7:14
Ephesians 1:18
Matthew 5:44
Romans 5:8
Psalm 6:3-6
2 Corinthians 12:9-1
Isaiah 41:10
1 John 4:7-11
1 Corinthians 13:8