Self Love + Self Loathing
4 minute read
I’m sharing a Note I wrote on my phone dated June 25, 2018:
“I’ve been the happiest I’ve ever been this past week, and it’s just not coming from anyone, but all coming from self love.” - line I just heard from a popular podcast.
Y’all.
This is a lie. This is what our world is telling us needs to happen, can happen, and IT IS A LIE!
Loving yourself above all does not equal happiness.
It equals selfishness. It equals a misdirected heart posture. It equals holding yourself to a standard you cannot attain.
I’m going to mess up. I’m going to let myself down. I’m going to sin! And keeping ourselves as the focus of adoration will inevitably lead us to cloud over the sin. To accept the sin. To be ok with the sin.
That ain’t ok.
Without a look at our sin, a REAL look, we cannot grow. We will not grow. The entire message of the Gospel is this: You are a sinner. I am a sinner. We’re really actually terrible people full of dark thoughts, dark deeds, dark secrets.
BUT.
The light of CHRIST shines into all these crevices and says, “Hey, I died for all of that yuck. Every bit of it. Trust me. Believe in my great love for you, and let it all shine out for the world to see. I laid down my life for YOU, before you were even born, KNOWING full well you would be a big, fat sinner. I did this out of love in the truest form. I died because it is the only way I would get to be with you. I died as a sin replacement for YOU. For every sin you’re going to ever do, past, present, or future.”
Because WE ARE NOT ABLE to uphold the standard of perfection required to get the job done, He did. And then He died.
But more than His death, He LIVES! He conquered death, and He defeated every single sin and ugly thing Satan could ever do by rising from the dead. He is our sin sacrifice. He is my sin sacrifice. He is yours if you accept it!
Seeking Him, loving Him, striving to be more like Him, KNOWING you will fail, but because HE enables you out of HIS LOVE for us to keep trying… we keep trying.
He is love; He is a God who loved your-self so much He died a blameless death so you could be with Him forever.
This is the end of my note from that day. I remember writing it and thinking, I want to share this! But wait, what if I’m wrong. What if it’s wrong? What if, what if, what if? I say this as an insecure person who succumbs to self love (and self loathing - more on that down the page) depending on the day, but I am a little stronger now in understanding that the freedom we have in Christ’s love for us far outweighs either swing of the love-loathe pendulum.
Still not convinced? Let’s take a peak at Ephesians 3
“For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen.” Ephesians 3:14-21 ESV
NLT says it this way in verses 17-19… “so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
His love is beyond comprehension. He doesn’t need our help loving us. Be kind to yourself, take care of yourself, love yourself because you are fearfully and wonderfully made, but be wary of urges to engage in Self Love. This is a fleeting, fruitless trap compared to the unending measure of Christ’s great love for YOU.
ANNND on the flip side: Self Loathing
I have certainly toed the line more than a thousand times of tabling up to pity parties and thinking the way to end my sin is to just wallow in how horrible I am. And while yes, I am a sinner who probably should sit in my sin and wallow, Christ died so I don’t have to do that! God loves me, so therefore I’ve got value -- and so.do.you.
Just as much as Satan loves to stroke our egos, he loooves when we beat ourselves up too. This self-loathing can handcuff us to inaction, to isolation, and to staying quiet.
I am currently reading Esther, and I feel incredibly moved by Esther 4:14 at the moment:
If you keep quiet at a time like this, deliverance and relief for the Jews will arise from some other place, but you and your relatives will die. Who knows if perhaps you were made queen for just such a time as this?
Is there something fear or self-loathing is hindering you from speaking out upon?
I’ll be honest, the reason the note I shared above sat in my phone for so long is because I didn’t feel worthy of sharing it. Who the heck am I? What do I know?
And ya dang right it’s still sent from a “who the heck am I?” perspective but that thought is deeply surpassed by the desire to be obedient to Christ. If self-loathing or self-doubt has you paralyzed or sitting in a pit of despair, eyes UP.
Look at the cross, and lay it all down at the feet of Jesus. I’ll re quote a piece from the Self Love section because it absolutely applies here too:
You are a sinner. I am a sinner. We’re really actually terrible people full of dark thoughts, dark deeds, dark secrets.
BUT. The light of CHRIST shines into all these crevices and says, “Hey, I died for all of that yuck. Every bit of it. Trust me. Believe in my great love for you, and let it all shine out for the world to see. I laid down my life for YOU, before you were even born, KNOWING full well you would be a big, fat sinner. I did this out of love in the truest form. I died because it is the only way I would get to be with you. I died as a sin replacement for YOU. For every sin you’re going to ever do, past, present, or future.
Everywhere we turn, we’re being told to love or loathe ourselves more. If you’ve spent even a millisecond scrolling Instagram or reading an article from Goop, you’re feeling permission to do the former. If you’ve even dabbled in learning about Critical Theory or you have melancholy tendencies, you’re feeling pressure to sit in the latter.
But in the truth of the Gospel, the answer is neither self love nor self loathing. The answer is Jesus. The answer lies in the truth we are all made in the image of God and while we are not enough, He always was, is, and always will be. When God looks at you, He sees His perfect Son.
There is no greater love!!!!
Leaving you with this quote on gospel-humility by Tim Keller:
“… The essence of gospel-humility is not thinking more of myself or thinking less of myself, it is thinking of myself less.”
Abba Father, words cannot describe the depth of your love for us. As humans, we do not have the vocabulary to fully grasp it. Your kindness surpasses any good deed we’ve ever done or thought to do. Your forgiveness covers any horrible deed we’ve ever done or thought to do. You’re so big! Yet so personal! Your goodness knows no bounds. Thank you for loving us right where we are. We need your forgiveness daily if not hourly! We are sick in our sin, and your Son is the only remedy. An eternal remedy God. Thank you, thank you that we have hope everlasting no.matter.what. Bless us as we walk into this week Lord. Open our eyes to temptation to indulge in self love or self loathing, and equip us to resist while moving closer to gospel-centered humility in your strength. We love you! In Jesus’ name, Amen
Scripture for the week:
Sunday/Monday: Romans 7
Tuesday: Romans 8
Wednesday: Ephesians 3
Thursday: Esther 4
Friday: John 8:12
Saturday: Micah 6:8
Resources on Self Love + Self Loathing (in addition to the B.I.B.L.E.)
You’re Not Enough (And That’s Ok) by Allie Beth Stuckey (I haven’t read this one yet, but I want to!)
Free of Me by Sharon Hodde Miller (This is a great one!)
The Freedom of Self-Forgetfulness by Tim Keller (Super short and awesome).