Shoulda, coulda, woulda.

Regrets? Baggage? Shame?

Come sit next to me.

While not even close to the only regret in my life, one of my biggest ones was being a super lazy and entitled student in college. I skipped a ton of class (largely due to my first major - Trashcan Punch and Sunrise Watching), and because of this I had more than a few full letter grades demoted due to absences. This happened (or continued rather) even while living in the Kappa house ON CAMPUS. 

(Pausing to let my mom breathe through her heart palpitations and for my dad’s eye to stop twitching. Everybody ok? K. Moving on).

I’ve lended toward perfectionistic and over-achiever tendencies with most personal anecdotes I’ve shared, so this behavior likely seems out of sync. To that, I say yes, but I also say - eh maybe not. 

After chasing the grades, the popularity, the athletic achievements all of my life full throttle leading up to college, I think this rebellion actually puts me right back in the stereotype. Looking back now, my first taste of freedom caused me to fail and falter in my flesh, but I believe it had to happen to get my butt off the pedestal upheld by The Book of Perfection according to Mary Clay. 

Skipping all these classes certainly wasn’t God’s best for my life, but He still worked it all for His good. I am not condoning self-sabotage to “find yourself” (woof to that phrase), but I do think we can look at all our yuck and dumb mistakes through the lens of Christ and think - Oh. Ok. I see you were with me - even then. That probably wasn’t your best for my life, but you didn’t give up on me, and you pulled me back into your good!

Here’s how He didn’t give up on me:

Post-graduation from The University of Texas, I had no idea what I wanted to do, and considering my resume touted an average GPA, a summer as a Rush Captain and another working a retail job, I wasn’t exactly being recruited by anyone beyond a bar stool. It must also be noted my original “career plan” to move back home to Amarillo and get married had one fatal flaw - I was very, very single. (Y’all if I can’t laugh, I would cry, and you gotta admit this is funny).

So I did what any red-blooded, bootstraps-pulling American girl would do. 

I called my dad and asked him to help get me a job. Actually I don’t even know if I asked him, he just did it. (If you’re not catching the sarcasm at this point, I really have no help for you. I realize how immature and entitled this entire narrative is, and if you want to judge me, you totally can).

At the time, my dad was working with an oil and gas company out of Oklahoma City, and they needed help in Hillsboro, Texas doing land work.

Perfect! Hillsboro is about an hour south of Fort Worth en route to Austin where I plan to spend every weekend anyway. I’ll take it!

I packed up for Fort Worth and sublet a room from a friend of a sweet friend on TCU’s campus where I moved in with two 20-year-olds who were going to be Juniors in college. Mmhmm.

Yes, I bought them beer. No, I do not remember their names, but they did call me Mary Claire the entire summer I lived there, so really no harm, no foul.

AND THUS began my (aggregate) 10+ year stint in the oil and gas industry and the beginning of my love for Fort Worth. I honestly didn’t even see this until this moment, but even though I still had no idea what I wanted to do with my life, God did, and by leading me to Fort Worth, He was leading me closer to my husband and closer to HIM with this step. 

I won’t bore you with the details of my oil and gas career, but I can promise you every single place it led me, God pulled me a little closer to Him. Even as I seemed to find my niche within the industry, the nagging in my heart and the back of my head that this wasn’t the job for me never went away. 

I finally heeded this urging after 7 years in oil and gas and pursued a position with a non-profit where I got paid pennies to write grants. Bonus though: I worked with amazing women, I got to scratch an Event Planning itch, and I got my hands in graphic design. This planted a seed I’m now harvesting. (I cannot with that metaphor, but whatever, you get it).

This is now becoming my life story, and I didn’t mean to do that, THIS IS A DEVOTIONAL blog not a diary. Wrap it up woman. 

Long story short is, after these two years in the non-profit, I ventured back to the oil and gas industry to work for two of the best guys ever. This was almost exactly the time we found out I was pregnant with our first baby, and I then spent the next 5 years in the most idyllic work environment for any new mother. It was flexible, they were wonderful, I got to use my brain, and I also got to be a mom. 

Due to the flexible nature of this job, I also started dabbling in social media, blog writing, graphic design and eventually web design for small businesses… and the rest is present history/another story for another day. 

HERE IS MY DANG POINT.

I made pretty poor decisions in college, and the consequence of this sin seemed to have a trickle down effect into several areas of my life. I realize this is all in the eye of the beholder, and I can totally see this story as a spoiled little white girl taking her opportunities for granted. While this is for sure true, I can only tell this story as I lived it, and for me, the trickle down consequence of my sin is that I believed the lie for a really long time that no real career path meant I lacked direction and therefore value. 

But HE, HE sees everything, and He was working all things together for my good even when I couldn't see it. Even when I didn’t see Him or reach out to Him, HE WAS THERE. And He still is. He is a God of details, going before and behind us, hedging us toward Him, hemming us in. 

I’ll tell you one thing I’ve learned though, it’s a heck of a lot more beautiful when we lean back into His embrace rather than running all willy-nilly a la Phoebe from friends. When we can hand over our baggage, He will tidy it up. I’m by no means smooth sailing or moving on toward perfection, but I’m now able to see those past regrets as examples of life without Christ as my leader and how He lovingly has led me back to Him. All the while He was working behind the scenes. 

Bringing it into some real TRUTH now, do you wanna know somebody with some serious baggage? How about Paul.

Homeboy persecuted and killed Christians as a hobby.

BUT GOD. 

He saw Paul, pulled him in, and He used every detail of his lowdown, dirty shame and sin-filled past to pave the way for Jesus toward hearts like yours and mine. Without Paul’s Pharisee pedigree, far, far less could’ve been accomplished for the Kingdom of God. 

But what if Paul had gotten caught up in his terrible past? What if he sat there and wallowed in shame and sadness for past mistakes and sins? What if he never shifted focus off of who he was and onto who God says he IS?

I ask the same of you. I ask the same of me!

If you have baggage, if you have regrets, lay them down at the foot of the cross. NO burden is too great for Him to bear. Nothing you’ve done is outside the scope of His knowledge, jurisdiction, or GRACE. And guess what? If you are in Christ, IT IS FINISHED. Every sin is paid for by the blood of Christ!

After asking for forgiveness, take the time to read through God’s word and pray through where he’s already worked your baggage for good. I promise you it’s there, and it’s bigger than you or I can see!

OH, and once you lay it down, don’t you dare go let Satan dig around in our trash. This is a phrase my mentor shared with me, and I love it. This means you can now step into the freedom of Christ and stop putting on your old self. You’re forgiven, you’re free.

Now let’s go live like it for Him!

Abba, this all seems too good to be true. Why on earth would you forgive us and separate our sins as far as the east is from the west? Some of our sins are super heavy, our regrets are all-consuming. But in your grace, you see them all the same, and you want nothing more than for us to lay them down and to yoke ourselves to you! You came not to condemn us but to SAVE us. You save us from sin, you save us from ourselves, you save us from death! Thank you. Father God, I pray for the person reading this right now. I pray you search their hearts and help them lay down whatever hang-ups or regrets are plaguing them. Give them the strength to not only ask for your forgiveness, but to receive your boundless mercy to accompany it. Help them believe and receive your undeserved forgiveness - all as a gift simply because they are yours and you love them so very much. I also pray you begin to dig out the root of these regrets and sins and replace them with the fruits of the Spirit. We thank you for the mistakes and missteps you’re weaving into our lives for our good and yours. You promise you will continue your good work in us until completion in the day of Christ’s return. In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen!

Suggested Daily Scripture:

Sunday/Monday: Acts 22:3-16

Tuesday: Psalm 139:23-24; Matthew 6:12

Wednesday: Matthew 26:28; Ephesians 4:22-24

Thursday: Romans 7:14-25

Friday: Philippians 1:6

Saturday: Hebrews 13:8