Until you use me up.
We’ve all been there on one side or the other.
You’ve been used or you’ve used someone else to get to what you really wanted. I can’t help but have high school drama flashbacks with the word used, so maybe let’s class it up with the term opportunistically approached.
(How’d I do, Gwyneth?)
Opportunistically approached: the feeling that comes with someone angling for something more than what they’re asking for.
Everybody’s got an angle. Name that movie ;)
Few things irk me more than a seemingly innocent request with a loaded shotgun behind it. This happens to me a lot, so maybe it’s really a me problem and people are scared to ask me for what they need - yikes and ouch and God please work on that - but I guess it’s all the more reason for me to announce it here:
Please, for the love, let’s all start asking for what we need because can’t we all agree it feels better to get to the bottom of what someone wants from you rather than digging through 11 hours of Southern niceties to finally root it out?
On the flip side though, there’s an internal struggle that comes with wanting all this honesty:
It’s hard for me to ask for what I need because when I look at the raw nitty gritty of why I need what I need… it opens the door wide open for rejection and for being found out.
So really maybe I’m solving this issue in a dear diary moment you’re all privy to (hi), and the reason we opportunisitcally approach things comes down to fear of rejection, fear of being scorned and/or fear of being deemed incompetent… which are all just a sugar-coated way of saying fear of man.
HMM. SO.
Intentionally or unintentionally, being honest with our needs doesn’t come naturally, so where better to learn how to do this than through scripture?
After reading Philemon this morning – which I highly recommend particularly if you’ve got some negotiating to do – I have a totally different perspective on how to ask for what I need. (Bonus: It’s only one chapter).
The Book of Philemon is the letter Paul writes from prison to Philemon on behalf of his fellow prisoner, Onesimus. Paul is in prison for sharing the gospel, and Onesimus is a slave who is imprisoned for running away from his master - Philemon. Paul previously led Philemon to Christ so he knows him well, and as it turns out, Paul leads Onesimus to Christ in prison. Here is how Paul begins his request to Philemon and co. in verses 3 through 7:
Grace to you and peace from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ. I thank my God always when I remember you in my prayers, because I hear of your love and of the faith that you have toward the Lord Jesus and for all the saints, and I pray that the sharing of your faith may become effective for the full knowledge of every good thing that is in us for the sake of Christ. For I have derived much joy and comfort from your love, my brother, because the hearts of the saints have been refreshed through you.
First and foremost, he prays for them. Next, one could say Paul butters up Philemon, but really, I believe he’s speaking honestly and encouraging him by naming the qualities of Christ he sees in Philemon. It picks up in verse 8 with the approach to the ask:
Accordingly, though I am bold enough in Christ to command you to do what is required, yet for love's sake I prefer to appeal to you—I, Paul, an old man and now a prisoner also for Christ Jesus— I appeal to you for my child, Onesimus, whose father I became in my imprisonment.
So Paul is technically able to command Philemon to do what he says because he’s in a position of authority as an apostle, yet he decides to ask in love. He completely opens himself up to rejection and vulnerability by approaching this request in love rather than out of dishonesty (angling) or rigidity (commanding).
Next comes the most interesting verse to me in the entire chapter, verse 11:
Formerly he was useless to you, but now he is indeed useful to you and to me.
Useless? Useful? Say what?! Wasn’t I just harping on using people?
Paul calls Onesimus useless because before believing in Christ, he really was useless to the Body of Christ, but now, he’s useful!
Have you ever thought of other believers as useful?
Because of reasons mentioned above, this sorta feels wrong. We’re not supposed to use people or, said another way, view them as useful… are we? In the sense of being deceitful and “using” someone to get something other than what you’re asking, it’s definitely wrong.
But when we look at the heart of what Paul is saying, it’s actually quite sweet and quite true.
How are fellow believers useful?
Well, most importantly, they’re doing their part in the Body of Christ simply by growing in faith because all parts are needed to work together for the Kingdom of Heaven. They’re also useful in prayer, accountability, encouragement, iron sharpening iron, chewing on the truth with you, wrestling with you, by rejoicing with you, by mourning with you, by calling out lies you might be believing, and in so many other ways.
Through this lens, I want to use every single believing friend I know, and I hope they’ll use me too! ;)
In verses 15 - 16, Paul continues with his plea for grace and mercy to be shown to Onesimus because he’s coming back a new man, a new creation, and most importantly, as a brother in Christ:
For this perhaps is why he was parted from you for a while, that you might have him back forever, no longer as a bondservant but more than a bondservant, as a beloved brother—especially to me, but how much more to you, both in the flesh and in the Lord.
This took some winding turns so I want to circle back to a few things:
No one wants to be used or opportunistically approached in the sense the world means it. Every believer, however, should jump at the chance to be used for the Kingdom - whatever it may look like.
When you need something, don’t be afraid to ask for it. By clouding what you need with a cover or a bait and switch, all it’s really doing is putting up more walls. Here are a couple easy steps Paul teaches us:
Pray through the approach before you do it, and pray for the person you’re asking.
Encourage the person you’re asking for something!
Ask in love rather than in hopes of their submission.
Accept the reality rejection might come, but remember fear of God far outweighs fear of any man! This could also be a bonus mission in humility, and while I know nothing stings worse in the moment, there’s always, always gain on the other side of the sting.
In sum, it’s ok and actually Biblical to find believers useful, and when we get scared of asking for what we need, we’re kinda missing the whole point of living in Biblical community!
Father God, thank you for the Biblical community you’ve gifted to me and to our family. Thank you for designing us to be both useful and to find others useful to us! This shows how much we really do need each other despite how much the world tells us we can/should do it all on our own. God, forgive me for the times I’ve covered what I needed with falsehood or angles for selfish gain. Forgive me for faulting someone for doing the same to me. God, this week, will you let us take a deeper look at how we communicate with others so we can look more like you and communicate in love? Will you show us where we fall short in this and help us grow? In your Son’s holy name I pray, Amen.
Scriptural Suggestion for this week:
You guessed it: Philemon. Since it’s so short, try committing a few verses to memory. Some tasty lil’ nuggets: verse 3, verse 4 (and really thank Him for someone), verse 7 (and maybe tell that person!), verse 11 (and really pray to be open to being useful to a fellow believer this week!)