Stop Apologizing
3.5 min read
We are currently adding onto our house, and I find myself constantly apologizing for no reason.
Example 1:
Workman: Do you like this stain?
Me: Sorry, but can I please see it with two coats?
Example 2:
Contractor: Hey, do you have old paint cans of this interior trim?
Me: Yes, they’re in here. {grabs one} Oh, sorry. That’s the wrong one.
Where did I start associating politeness with apologizing? I’m so confused.
As another example, I remember two years ago (wow, HOW has it been two years) being crammed into a tiny kitchen/office working on the launch of Restore + Revive Wellness Center. This was the first time for all of us to be working together, so niceties and politeness were at an all time high as we tried to gain one another’s trust and simultaneously get to know each other.
With this in mind, one could say our intentions were mostly pure in our ad nauseum “Sorry, but...” or “Oh sorry...” but it got so excessive, one day our co-worker Sarah said, “Ok. We’re going to start tallying ‘I’m sorrys’ because this is getting ridiculous. Everyone stop apologizing!”
Did we stop?
Sorry, but no.
teehee.
In addition to “I”m sorrying” my way around a new work environment or in my wires-crossed attempt at politeness, 90% of the time, I’m using sorry as a defense mechanism to ward off fear of man or to buffer potential criticism, and if you wanna go really dark... I’m also using it as passive aggression:
“Sorry I haven’t gotten to that task yet, I was finishing up [your] abcdefg jobs.”
Does any of this ring true for you?
To be clear, I’m not writing this to join the “manifest your dreams” or “stop apologizing for the life you want to create” taglines out there, but I am writing this to encourage you (and me) to...
STOP apologizing for dumb things that don’t require an apology because at this rate, I predict the word “sorry” will eventually lose all meaning. In an effort to preserve a very important word in the English language, can we all agree to drop the meaningless sorrys?
K good, now that we’re in agreement (I saw you nod), let’s dive into how to do this.
Start small.
The next time you start to apologize out of habit or even to fill a silence, ask yourself if you’re really sorry about something?
If you’re not - drop the sorry. You’ll be ok. That sorry was a waste of breath anyway, but here comes the hard part...
Why did you want to say sorry in the first place?
Were you trying to be nice? Were you scared of this person? Were you nervous about their response? Were you afraid of offending them? Were you warding off potential criticism? Were you craving this person’s approval? Or maybe you were wearing a mask (not the c-vid kind, the Biblical kind that’s covered in deceit) and actually just being passive aggressive?
Told ya. Ouchie. But if we want to break a habit, we’ve gotta get to the root!
Most of these examples of motive blossom from a fear of man, and whew let me tell you from (ongoing) first hand experience, fear of man is a dead-end street. We will never, EVER please everyone. This does not give us a one-way ticket to pleasing ourselves, but it does give us reason to redirect the object of the pleasing.
This post has some help in the fear of man/approval seeking department and might come in handy if you want to dig deeper, but what it really comes down to is this:
Whose approval are you seeking? Any answer other than God’s approval will leave you empty. If your sorry is centered around man’s approval, do some business with the Lord and ask Him to help you start seeking His approval > man’s approval. (I need to do this business, btw).
If we go back to the original question of whether you’re really sorry about something, and the answer is yes, then let’s look at how we should apologize from a Biblical perspective because all this sorry sprinkling is making forgiveness look like it grows on trees.
Let’s get back to basics...
Why do we apologize? We apologize in order to take responsibility for a wrong and in turn receive forgiveness.
Who is the founding reason for why we can receive this forgiveness? Jesus.
I’ve mentioned re|engage before, and in a nutshell, it is a life-changing marriage ministry I recommend to any married couple. There is an incredibly rich chapter appropriately titled Forgiveness that gives a beautiful look at what saying “I’m sorry” and the forthcoming forgiveness really means, and how/why we should do it.
The chapter first references Matthew 18:21-35, and they do such a good job of summarizing it, I’m going to just pull straight from the re|engage book:
“When Jesus was asked about forgiveness in Matthew 18:21-35, He told a story about why we should forgive. The story was about a man who was in debt to a king for a massive amount of money. One day, out of pity for this man, the king forgave his debt. Shortly after the man had been forgiven of his debt, he turned around and had the audacity to choke and demand repayment from a fellow servant who owed him a much smaller sum. The point Jesus was making is that, like the man with massive debt, God has forgiven you of countless offenses against Him: therefore you are to forgive [others] for their offenses against you. When you don’t, you are hypocritical. You are receiving God’s forgiveness, but you are not willing to extend it to others…”
Zam.
God’s great LOVE is shown in his plan of forgiveness. While we were still sinners, He sent His only Son to die on the cross for all of our sins, past, present and future, because it was the only way for us to be with Him. This is so unwarranted. It is something only a holy, almighty God could do, and it is so kind and loving it moves me to tears.
When we look at the cross with the reverence it deserves, it really makes me pause in my sorry habit. Why am I just throwing them around like loose change?
It might be a leap or a dramatization (who, me? never), but I do think that by keeping the beauty of the forgiveness that happened on the cross close to our hearts, we will start to weed out the unnecessary I’m sorrys while simultaneously honoring how and when to use (and accept!) the real apologies.
Let it be known that the next time you hear me slangin’ sorrys, you can call me out!
Dear Lord, your love is unfathomable. Why you chose us, we will never fully understand, but oh God, thank you. Thank you for sending Jesus to save us from our brokenness. Thank you for loving us so much you created a way for us to be with you forever! Father, we try so hard to impress and hedge our bets for people to like us, but in reality, we know deep down it will never fulfill like your love. God grant us repentant hearts for when we wrong you and for when we wrong one of your children. Give us tongues that speak life and wisdom, not out of self-preservation or fear, but out of love that comes only from you! In Jesus name I pray, Amen.
S/M: Colossians 3:12-15
What does God tell us to clothe ourselves in because He chose us as His children?
T: Romans 5:8
How does it make you feel that God knew you would continue to sin, but He still made a plan to save you?
W: Galatians 1:10
Whose approval are you seeking?
Th: Ephesians 4:2
Commit this verse to memory this week!
F: Matthew 18:21-35
Does this parable bring anyone to mind you need to forgive?
S: Proverbs 19:11
Wow - it is glory to overlook an offense. Pray for the opportunity to receive this glory by overlooking an offense today!