The Evolution of a Heart

3.5 minute read

I’m a very visual person. Explain something to me with words, and I’m immediately envisioning it. If I cannot envision it, I am a Charlie Brown character hearing adults talk. Have I used that line here before? I use it a lot. It’s so true though. I hear nothing but sounds muddled together --  especially when it comes to anyyyything medically related. I have without a doubt ASKED and TRIED TO LISTEN to what role or realm of the hospital (or is it a private office??!) my incredibly brilliant Nurse Practitioner sister kicks ass in no less than 11 times, and I still can’t get it right. It’s neuro-related? I think? Sister? Halp.

Anywho - I’m visual, and by the way, you’re welcome for being a creative and not a doctor.

With this in mind, for most of my adult life, I’ve had a visual of what my heart looks like. When I close my eyes, I can see it, but I don’t see valves and pumps and arteries and blood… (^^^obviously, Linus). Howeverrrr, in my mind’s eye, I see what my heart feels like. 

Let me preface the following TED talk with this fact: If you have accepted Jesus as your one, true Lord and Savior, you believe He died on the cross to carry the weight of all your sins - past, present, and future - if you believe He conquered that death by rising again, and finally, if you believe He’s coming back - your faith is sealed. The Holy Spirit now lives in your heart!

The following descriptions of my heart in different seasons of my life never, ever changed the fact that God wasn’t still with me, for me, and living inside of me since the day I accepted the free gift of salvation all those years ago lying in bed saying bedtime prayers with my Dad. 

SO. Back to my visual mind, and specifically, the visuals of my own heart. 

Phase 1: The Shiny Packaged Heart 2003 - 2007

You’ve seen Christmas Vacation. If you haven’t, stop reading, and please go watch it now. I don’t care that it’s April. It’s a prerequisite for reading this blog ever again. 

You back? Good. Welcome to the 90s, George Banks.

When Uncle Lewis and Aunt Bethany arrive for Christmas Eve dinner at the Griswold’s, Aunt Bethany hands them two packages. From the naked eye, these look like your run-of-the-mill Christmas packages… shiny, wrapped up with a red bow, taped on the sides.

Since you’ve all seen the movie (now), you know what’s actually in the packages: her cat and a jello mold. 

Not exactly what the outside suggests, amiright? 

So this shiny package resembling something that it actually isn’t is what I see my heart as in college. Sure, I had the friends and the fun, but I wasn’t walking with the Lord - like at all. I have no guilt or shame about these seasons of life, but it doesn’t change the fact that the face and the front I was putting on didn’t match what was really going on in my heart.

Phase 2: The Heart of Stone 2007 - 2012

Fast forward to post-college life in Fort Worth. Man that was a fun chapter. I loved college, but I reallyyyy loved making my own money and pretty much doing whatever I wanted in that post-college life. We had an incredible crew here, and it’s also when I met Gup! I started attending a few Bible studies here and there, and Crawford and I started attempting church once every blue moon (i.e. if there was ever a unicorn, non-hungover Sunday). 

I envision my heart in this stage as ripped of its shiny packaging - only to reveal a really, really hard, heart shaped stone. Sounds rough, but it’s true. It was me-me-me all the way home. Anything requiring sacrifice of self was pretty much off the table. Again though, not regretting this stage. It was a step in the right direction - the misleading, shiny package was off!

Phase 3: The Dino Egg Heart 2012 - 2017

When Crawford and I got engaged in 2012, we found a church home and went through their premarital counseling, and in turn, we both started getting a little more serious about walking with the Lord. I envision my heart in this chapter to have softened from stone into the hardened sand/clay mixture of those dino eggs you can “excavate” with a plastic tool. They make an incredible mess (thank you Hilary Colia for the warning of this), but hey, the sand is softer than stone and it can get chip-chipped away. 

And whew boy did God start doing that. Our engagement season brought a ton of hard things to light, but I’m so glad it did. Sidenote: To the bride out there who looooved being engaged - congratulations, best wishes, but please don’t bring that Pollyanna Parade to my table. Seat’s taken. The years that followed were mostly easy, peasy lemon-squeezy, with a few more dusty sand chisels here and there. We welcomed buddy boy Field in 2015, and life was pretty dang good. In retrospect, I kinda think God gave us a lil’ reset breather for what was to come.

Phase 4: The Barbed Wire Heart 2018 - 2019

The dino egg chiseling did not eventually reveal a miniature stegosaurus, but much to my disappointment, it actually came to show was some pretty tightly wound barbed wire around a heart, y’all. Sounds horrific, BUT I could see a real, actual heart showing through the scary metal! Praise!

We had little Cecky Bear in January 2018, and while she was a dream baby, our financial state went from manageably snug to fat-guy-in-a-little-coat tight. I could bore you with the details, but the combo of baby number 2 + financial stress = marriage counseling. We joined a marriage ministry program called re|engage through our church, and we both sing its praises to the highest heavens.

It stripped me so bare I didn’t have legs to stand on. So I finally, finallyyyy started hanging on for dear life to the only one who could hold me up. And guess what? I don’t mean Crawford.

Phase 5: The Punctured Heart 2019-2021

Going into 2018, my heart was covered in barbed wire. Walking into 2019, the barbed wire was gone, but man I had some deep puncture wounds. But again. There’s a real, life heart! It’s not packaged or cemented or barb wired.

And it’s a dang good thing, because this wounded heart was about to enter this season where I dadgum needed to have WIDE OPEN pathways to the Savior of my soul. 

Phase 6: The Deflated Heart 2019- early 2021

Passing through the super heavy season I discussed last week, my heart went from severely punctured to completely deflated. It was a little, pink, heart-shaped rubber balloon, but you know whose tender hands were gingerly holding it, don’t you? :)

Phase 7: The Not-Quite-Upright, Warm, Happy Heart

So now, here I write, and as I close my eyes, I see and feel bright, bright light and warmth all around my heart. It’s a lil’ lopsided, a lil’ wounded, a lil’ weary, but boy is it a happy heart. It’s not scared. It’s not sad. It’s hopeful. A happy, warm, hopeful heart now houses the Holy Spirit who was in fact the shiny package ripper, stone softener, dino sand chissler, barbed wire cutter, wound nurser, LIFE GIVER who never, ever, ever once left me or gave up on me. 

With every class I skipped, jager bomb I slammed, friend I gossipped about, white lie I told a boss, house I coveted, low blow I threw at my husband, angry word I screamed at my family, every single bit of heavy or hard or ugly or bad… He never gave up. 

And He never will! There’s still a whole lotta heart work to do on this gal, but I rest in the promise of Philipians 1:6 “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”

I am by no means perfect, and as far as self-awareness goes, I actually think I’m worse off than I was with the shiny packaged heart LOL. I miss thinking I was awesome. That was fun. 

But it ain’t fruitful.

In writing this, I cannot help but think about the Parable of the Four Soils Jesus teaches us in Matthew 13:1-9, Mark 4:1-9, and Luke 8:4-8. 

There’s no suggested scripture this week beyond a challenge for you to do business with the Lord and ask for His help as you read the aforementioend scripture to determine which of the four soils represents your heart. 

You never know. You might just dig up a dino egg in there somewhere ;)

Father God, you are good! We sing your praises in our highs, we tell of your goodness in our lows. You never change. Circumstances do, but you do not! Thank you for never giving up on us. Thank you for the promise that our salvation is sealed by the gift of the Holy Spirit the moment we accept you as our Savior. This week, help the dear soul reading this to carve out the time to let you help them examine their heart’s soil. Don’t let it be in vain. Father, help me examine the soil of my own heart, and give me the strength to turn from any weed or shallow soil hindering your goodness. We trust you! In Jesus’s name I pray, Amen.