Weak.
3 minute read
About a month ago, I was asked to be on-boarded as a web designer for 99Designs. For those unfamiliar, 99Designs is a place you can go and submit your need for just about anything digitally creative, and you will be matched with a designer to fulfill your project.
I agreed to be on-boarded because it was a big, fat ego stroke, and I figured, why not?
Two weeks ago I was notified that this week I would be promoted through the platform. I had the option to opt out, but I didn’t, because again, I figured why not?
Well, here I am mid-promotion week with an inbox full of needs from a bunch of strangers all over the country, and I can absolutely tell you WHY NOT.
It is next-level out of my comfort zone - like outer space level to have pings in my inbox all day from people all over the country. Also, I flat out do not like working with people who are not vetted by word of mouth - there, I said it. And lastly and probably most importantly, I have trouble (a lot of trouble) saying NO – especially where work is concerned. Socially, I can no-no-no until the world looks level (a separate issue lol), but professionally it is harder for me.
I believe this is because somewhere along the way, I learned to believe the lie of do more, be more, don’t quit, just try harder and if you don’t… you’re weak. You’re not enough. You’re failing… You’re unlovable.
There’s a performance pressure I feel that’s incredibly self-inflicted, and I sometimes do not know whether it’s fear of failing or flat-out lack of capacity behind a NO when I do in fact say it. I see a counselor who helps me muddle through these things, but I feel like I can’t be alone in this, right?
Right?! ;)
Whether it’s a fear of not doing enough yourself or the flip-side of judgment toward others who aren’t “doing enough” (according to you), it’s this big ol’ jumbled mess of when is enough — enough?
I brought this up to Crawford last night, and he reminded me of a few important truths that fit into these thoughts:
I’m never going to perfectly spend my time, and in fact, idolizing efficiency is a sneaky snare. See Proverbs 16:9
At the end of the day, whichever decision I make, I’m not letting God down because He loves me no matter what. See Romans 8:38-39
God is well acquainted with my needs because He wrote the details of my life before I began to breathe. See Psalm 139:13-14; Luke 12:7
He’s not scared, even when I might be. See Psalm 139:1-4,11-12
As I write this, I’m reminded of 2 Corinthians 12:9-11:
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
This is a beautiful reminder, but it is especially beautiful when we have more context for the passage. In the verses prior, Paul speaks of the amazing revelations he experienced in the heavens that took him from being Saul the Christian killer to Paul the Apostle. He then goes on to say how much he wishes he could boast about this experience, but he refrains, and here’s why:
2 Corinthians 12:7-8:
So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me.
Guys, God put a thorn in his side to keep him humble. To keep Paul weak!
So what does Paul do? He boasts in his weaknesses so that the power of Christ may rest upon him.
Wow. Do you want the power of Christ to rest up on you? I sure do. It sounds like the warmest, coziest, most soothing blanket over my shoulders. A power that doesn’t say Do more, try harder, and then I’ll love you, but a power that says, I already did it all. Sit here at my feet, and I will make known to you the path of your life. In my presence, there is fullness of joy. I love you so much, I died for you and all of your sins. Once and for all!
Do you believe that?
I struggle with it sometimes.
There’s a song called How Can It Be? by Lauren Daigle and it essentially marvels over the fact that Christ’s death and sacrifice really did save us from eternal separation from God, and His eternal sacrifice only happened once.
I’ve mentioned I’m reading in Hebrews, and in chapters 8-10 it talks a lot about the Old Covenant vs. the New Covenant. The Old Covenant refers to life under the law and by the 10 Commandments from God via Moses. The Old Covenant also refers to all the rules in Leviticus that will make even the most caffeinated theologian nod off… Just sayin’.
According to the Old Testament/Old Covenant law, year after year after year B.C., priests would take sacrifices of animal blood to the Tabernacle as atonement for their sins and for the sins of their people. This Tabernacle was created as a copy of what is eternally in heaven, and these sacrifices were a foreshadowing of what Jesus would eventually do for us.
I’ll be the first to say, I’m biased to “old” things. I want character. I want a story. I want some tenure and some clout… but where the Covenants are concerned, give me the NEW all day, err’day, and here’s why:
The stark difference between the Old and New Covenants is the repetitive and unfulfilling nature of the sin sacrifice of bulls and goats via mere human priests of the Old Covenant vs. the ONCE AND FOR ALL nature of the blood shed by the Savior of the World, our eternal High Priest of the New Covenant. The singular death and resurrection of Jesus Christ was enough to wipe the sins of anyone and everyone who believes this, forever and ever amen.
I know it’s hard to fathom.
It’s hard to believe we’re not supposed to feel the weightiness of our sins or performance pressure or guilt or doing the right thing all the time simply because Christ died for all those things. When I really, really sit and reflect on what His blood did for me - and for ALL who believe it - I can’t help but feel weak. I can’t help but feel like I’m not worthy. I ALSO CAN’T HELP BUT FEEL LOVED. So. SO. SO loved. And not just in spite of being weak… because of it!
So where unanswered 99Designs pings and my own mental anguish about how to say no call me an unlovable failure, Christ calls me His, and He calls me LOVED. He does the same for you too. No matter your past, present or future, you are LOVED because of the once and for all sin sacrifice of the blood of Jesus. The Old Testament is tedious, but it set the stage for us to see what it was like B.C. with all those rams and washings and rituals and … sorry I dozed off. But without it we wouldn’t know how much we needed a SAVIOR! A once and for all 100% God, 100% Man SAVIOR. I need a Savior because try as I might, it is impossible for me to stop sinning. But because of His blood and because of His blood alone, I am called His.
So are you if you’ll simply accept it!
So here I sit in my weakness, and as I sit in it, I am simultaneously covered by the power of Christ. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
I hope this gives you encouragement when (not if) you feel weak this week! And just for the record, it might seem like sometimes when I finish these posts I have some ah-ha moment and everything is fixed in my life and it’s all roses.
Not true.
But I do believe God gives us strength and wisdom as we draw nearer to Him to learn more about who He is and who we are in light of His goodness. The more we study His word and learn about God, the more the Truth will retrain our brains and grow our hearts for Him!
Father God, I’m weak. I’m broken. I’m needy! I confess I get frustrated with needy people around me (my kids for one), but yet, here I am, so needyyyyy and you just give and give. In fact, you cover us with your power when we come to you in our weakness. It makes me weep! How can you love us that much? God, I pray for whoever is reading this to start to understand how much you love them. Even just 1 degree more. I have struggled with accepting your love in so many seasons, and I’m just grateful that you never give up on me! Thank you. Let your name be magnified as we walk alongside you this week. In Jesus Name I pray, Amen.